Friday, September 10, 2010
I Think I'm Gonna Hurl
It's a double-blog kind of day, most excellent Beatdown Blog (few and) faithful. This one is a Public Service Announcement. We can call it my efforts to save your stomachs from a most unawesome experience.
I had to take a speedy lunch today - line for Panera was out the door, so I opted to see if I could find something not so unhealthy at McDonald's. I quickly realize McD's has almost NOTHING that isn't unhealthy, and I wasn't about to ask for a bag of lettuce. I saw a grilled chicken sandwich option on the menu with a fancy name - the McBistro. What the Hell, I'll try that. I order the grilled McBistro, plain - no lettuce, no tomato, no cheese, no "sauce" - just a grilled chicken breast and bread...figure if it's kept simple, it can't be that bad, right?
Holy sh*tballs, EPIC WRONG!
My experience was as follows:
Bite# 1 – “Wow, it really can’t be this bad…probably just the gnarly end part”. Swallow.
Bite# 2 – “What the f*ck?!?!? This can’t be chicken, can it?" I take the top of bun off to inspect the sandwich to see if they messed it up somehow. Nope, just chicken. Swallowing this bite was a challenge...you know when you chew something and hold it in the side of your mouth until you psych yourself up enough to actually swallow it? C'mon, you've been there, done that. It was a risky move, but I got it down.
Bite# 3 – Two chews, open McD's bag, say, “Hbmgryack" (or however you spell the noise you make when you dry heave - and yes, I dry heaved to the point of tears welling up in my eyes), and spit it out into the aforementioned McD's bag.
I feverishly wash my mouth out with the HiC Orange Drink I got. Gargled with it. No avail. This was sticking with me (and still is some 2 hours later).
And now a Public Service Announcement from Matt Stone - "I once tried a McDonald's McBistro Sandwich. Do yourself a favor. Don't. Ever. Just say 'No' to McBistro".
Seriously, never – E V E R – get one.
1. Texture – if you marinated a human tongue in molasses all day and nuked it – that’s probably as close to the texture of the chicken.
2. Flavor – Snot mixed with raw oysters and a subtle hint of smoke/grilled liquid flavoring.
3. Smell - Yes, I am a glutton for punishment – after the tasting experience, I took the “chicken breast" off of the roll and sniffed it. Anyway, I sh*t you not, the "chicken" smelled like sweaty feet. Sweaty feet that had tromped through a sewer. Sweaty feet that had tromped through a sewer after a heavy rainfall. Sweaty feet that had tromped through a sewer after a heavy rainfall that caused runoff from the sh*t-processing center over in Essex/Middle River.
The 2 bites I swallowed are actually doing somersaults in my stomach.
I may barf.
I may sh*t my pants.
I may need immediate medical assistance.