Friday, October 15, 2010

An AWESOME Friday Blog...or WWPD?


There are 3 things in life I am 110% certain about.

1. There is a God.

2. I am not Him.

3. I – Matt Stone – am awesome.

How did I get so awesome?

Good question.

It wasn’t easy.  While it’s hard to admit (choking back the tears of this painful memory), there were times when I hard to say...simply normal...perhaps even slightly lame.

However, I persevered.

I worked long and hard and became special.  I enjoyed it there but knew I had more inside.

I kept pushing and broke through the barrier of being truly great.

Just for shits and giggles, I even tried out being infamous.

And then, like a phoenix rising from the flames, the inner awesomeness that was always there broke through, and continues to shine to this day.

Obviously, very few of you will be able to reach my levels of awesomeness.  However, you can try day-in and day-out to achieve my heights of brilliance; and, as a public service, I will point you in the right direction, so that one day you can proudly say, "I am almost as awesome as Matt Stone".

A Guide to Awesomeness

The single most important part of being awesome is to exude awesomeness in all that you do.

In today’s world, you are immediately judged by your appearance.  So looking awesome is the first step.

Now don’t get me wrong...I in no way, shape, or form can make you beautiful, handsome, tough, or show you how to find a style that best suits you.  But what I can do is tell you that having an "I Don’t Give A Sh*t" sense of style goes a long way to cover up any imperfections you may have and need to compensate for.

If you are a guy, you have 2 options – (1) Never cut your hair, or (2) shave it off, Telly Savalas style (I opted for option 2 here).

How does this contribute to awesomeness, you may ask?  Take a look back at history.

Long hair – Jesus. There was a dude who is to this day world renowned, and billions still talk about Him daily.  We don't know a whole lot about Jesus’ everyday life, with the exception of what is in the Bible, but take a look at most renditions of him in art...nearly all artists depict him with awesome long, flowing locks of hair.

Bald – The Dalai Lama.  He is a righteous dude...and he's bald. ‘Nuff said.

Having long hair or being bald undoubtedly boosts your sexual potency.  Either style will certainly result in frequent promotions at work, sometimes even jumping 2 levels on an organizational chart.  Long hair or the cue ball will definitely make everyone think you are in a rock band.  And lastly, by nixing the haircut or by shaving your own head, you will save countless amounts of moola by never having to go to your local barber again.

Any hair style remotely in between baldness and long hair results in you looking like you have been assimilated into being one of "them".

Dress like you are awesome.  Get the wicked cool t-shirt I saw at Target that has “PROUD TO BE AWESOME” emblazoned on the front of it.  Definitely wear sunglasses indoors.  Unquestionably never – E-E-E-Ever – wear anything that jitbags or posers would wear (the popped collar, the skin tight painted on jeans, the emo, the extra small t-shirts to make you look more "buff", etc).  If you have any articles of clothing that may be seen on an episode of Jersey Shore, burn them immediately...I guarantee that your levels of awesomeness will increase immediately.

Ironing. Completely and totally not worth your time.  All it does is make you look like one of "them"...don’t do it anymore.  Ever.

No Smoking.  Smoking is NOT awesome.  If you smoke, take a look in a mirror while pulling a drag.  That alone should make you quit cold turkey.  If not, smell yourself after a few cigs.  You smell like shit.  And that isn’t awesome...not even a little...not even at all.

Now the important – perhaps THE most important – part of being awesome.

Feeling awesome is just as important as looking awesome.  It truly isn’t all about the appearance. 

It most certainly is about having an attitude that screams, "I am so awesome that if awesome was an energy source, I could power the entire Eastern seaboard".  That's the kind of attitude that distinguishes the awesome from the also-rans.

How do you develop and hone that attitude? It’s quite simple.

Give less of a shit.  The constant inner-debate over every single little daily decision (i.e., is the road is clear? Should I have that beer?  Is hemlock actually perfectly safe in small doses?) does nothing but waste the most precious commodity there is – time that could be spent being awesome.  Don't fret over the smaller things in life...they always work themselves out...and if they need some extra attention, that’s what your groupies (those that hang out with you in hopes of being awesome by association) are for.

Be enthusiastic, about everything you do and everything that happens to you.  God forbid something tragic comes your way, but if it does, the only thing you can do is embrace it.  For example, if you are stuck in a lame meeting at your job, or if you are still in school and knee-deep in the most boring lecture, embrace the horror by asking a question every ten or fifteen minutes...or better yet, offer to get up and take over the meeting or teach the class.  And of course, if your co-workers or professor would oblige and hand the reigns over to you, run with a lecture centering around your own awesomeness...or mine if you are still taking baby steps towards the goal.

Walk everywhere, as much as you can.  Why?  Because no one can see your awesomeness if riding in a vehicle solo, and public transportation only confines the awesomeness to the privileged people around you.  Also, walking will ensure that you ALWAYS arrive fashionably late.

Publicize yourself.  Create your own magazine or blog that showcases your awesomeness.  Make all of the articles or entries about YOU.  Get business cards made that simply have your name and the word AWESOME on them.  Hand out flyers with your face on them that, in 25 words or less, proudly and definitively proclaim your awesomeness.  Get a megaphone and state your levels of awesomeness to anyone and everyone within an earshot.  Grab any and all...or better yet, CREATE your own...opportunities that will make you (and therefore your magnitudes of awesomeness) known to the "them".  The more people that know you and your degree of awesomeness, the more awesome you will become de facto.

Think like a pirate.  Beyond a shadow of doubt, pirates are universally considered to be awesome.  I should clarify, I’m talking Jack Sparrow or Captain Hook pirates, not the jitbags in and around Africa or the Middle East...they suck, and are the lamest of lame.

I digress...if you are ever in a situation and are having any inclination of doubt about a course of action, ask yourself WWPD? – yes, I went there – What Would Pirates Do? 

Unquestionable guaranteed success.

Example: You are out with a lady friend and she asks you to hold her purse for a minute. You ask yourself, "WWPD?"  Obviously, you quickly whip out your cutlass sword, stab everyone in sight, and plunder their booty...follow it up with slinging your wench over your shoulder, swing on a rope back to your ship, tie her up, and get slurringly, shitcan drunk on rum and grog.


Read it.  Learn it.  Live it.

Have a great weekend Beatdowners.  Rest assured, I’ll continue being awesome.

Until next time...

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