Friday, March 11, 2011

Surviving Z-land

TGIF, Beatdowners.

I've totally checked out for the week, so here's another time waste blog.

Actually, strike that.  This is a good one.

A survival guide.

The zombie apocalypse is on the horizon.

Are you ready?

I'm borrowing most of these from the movie Zombieland - sue me.  They know what they're talking about.

1. Cardio - zombies will get the fattys first.

2. The Double Tap - two shots to the dome to put the living dead down for the count.

3. Beware of Bathrooms - zombies lurk in the stalls.

4. Wear Seat Belts - never know when you are going to have to jam on the brakes to throw a zombie off your ride...don't need to help their cause by flying through the windshield and splattering on the road like roadkill...for the zombies to eat.

5. Swiss Army Knife - have one, and use it a la could be a key to your survival.

6. The "Skillet" - solid household items - like an iron skillet - may save you from the undead if you have no other weapons around...just make sure to whack the sucker TWICE (see Rule# 2) in the dome.

7. Travel Light - too much stuff slows you down, making you slower, making it easier for the undead to go nom nom on your brains.

8. Get a Kick Ass Partner - hanging with unawesome types will surely lead to being eaten.  Maybe keep a third wheel - someone slower than you - to use as a sacrificial lamb to the zombies when necessary.

9. S'mores Pop Tarts - they'll make you think of better times, keep you nourished, and are just plain AWESOME.

10. Don’t Swing Low - if using a bat or a sword or an iron skillet (see Rule# 6), don't swing for the zombie's stomach, their junk, their knees, or their shins.  GO STRAIGHT TO THE DOME.

11. Use Your Foot - whether it's running from the undead, jumping over fences to evade them, or kicking their head's in - use your feet.

12. Bounty Paper Towels - keep them handy - killin' zombies is a messy business.

13. Shake It Off - don't dwell on the times a zombie almost makes a meal out of you.  Shake off the encounter and get back to working for Zombie Kill of the Week.

14. Always Carry A Change Of Underwear - encounters with zombies may literally scare the sh*t out of you.

15. Bowling Ball - another solid object able to smash a zombie with - you can even throw one at them so you don't have to get too close to them ugly, brain-munching horrors.

16. Opportunity Knocks - knock before entering - you'll hear the undead moan and groan and know to be ready to kick some zombie butt.

17. Don’t Be A Hero

18. Limber Up - you don't need to pull a muscle and incapacitate yourself, becoming easy prey for a gaggle of zombies.

19. Break It Up - sometimes you need to blow off some steam...and a perfect way to get rid of the stresses of surviving the zombie apocalypse is to go bat-sh*t crazy and smash some stuff.

20. It’s A Marathon, Not A Sprint...Unless It’s A Sprint, Then Sprint - take your time making your way through the world after the zombie apocalypse...rushing everywhere will wear you out and make you a prime target to be a meal...but if you have a gaggle of the undead coming for you, run your ass off.

21. Avoid Strip Clubs - nothing worse that a naked zombie coming to chomp your brains.

22. When In Doubt Know Your Way Out

23. Fire - always have a way to start a fire...lighter, flame thrower, etc.  Zombies hate fire.

24. Use Your Thumbs - zombies seem to forget that they have opposable ones.

25. Shoot First

26. A Little Sun Screen Never Hurt Anybody

27. Zombie Kill Of The Week - get a little creative...put 'em down with some for the Zombie Kill of the Week.

28. Double-Knot Your Shoes - stopping to re-tie a show will lead to your brains getting munched on.

29. The Buddy System - two is better than one when fighting off gaggles of zombies.

30. Pack Your Stain Stick - you're going to get dirty...this one kinda couples with Rule# 12.

31. Check The Back Seat - nothing worse than thinking you have a ride out of a zombie infested area only to have one of the undead chilling in the back seat of your vehicle ready to chow down on you.

32. Enjoy The Little Things

Now you know.  Live it.  Learn it.  Know it.

Federal Hill Irish Stroll tomorrow (Saturday, 3/12)

Until then...or the zombie apocalypse, whichever comes first.

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