A Fond Farewell To A Friend

I once read a quote that said "All good things must come to an end, but all bad things can continue forever".

Pretty true statement.

And after 2 years, 3 months, and 9 days, over 5,700 hits to this page, and 136 entrys, it's time to say goodbye to The Beatdown Blog.

It's time to say goodbye...after one last entry, of course!

C'mon, you didn't think I was going to go quietly, did you?!?!?!?

It's been a rough week.

Ghosts from years past decided to come back for one more round, memories that I try to keep locked away broke loose and danced in the forefront of my thoughts...I did way too much thinking and reminiscing this week.

And it made me realize, history has a funny way of repeating itself, just with different names and places.

Anyhow, most of the thoughts centered around a bad day - April 19, 2005.  I don't need to go into specifics, I'll just say it was a very long and very stressful day, and the ramifications can still be felt by me today.

Some people tried to impose their will to take EVERYTHING from me.  Thankfully, it didn't happen the way they apparently wanted it to, and I was able to limp away from the day, albeit shackled with a significant chain (that strangely enough rattled itself again last week).

And the worst part of that whole experience - I honestly in my heart believe the stress of that day was the final nail in my father's coffin.  See, we lost Mom on February 23rd - a mere 55 days prior.  Dad was heartbroken.  His soul mate was gone, way before her time, way before any of us were ready for her to be.  And on April 19, he watched and carried the stress of a potential bad outcome for me.  Some pushed hard that day, some knew the situation and ignored it, and the stress became crushing.

I actually watched the remaining sparkle leave my father's eyes that day.  I watched the fire go out.

He died 18 days later.

A heavy burden I place on my shoulders.  But one that no matter how hard I try will not leave.

It seems like this time of year, a fire starts burning in the pit of my stomach, and a lot of anger creeps to the surface.

Is what it is.  Forgiven, not forgotten.

And all of those thoughts of April 19th compounded into many more thoughts of days past and present...thoughts of lessons I've learned through my actions and experiences.  Things I'll throw out there as a last entry into the Beatdown Blog...

1. More often than not, we look at a person's inner beauty - and that makes them so much more attractive outwardly.  But sometimes the more you dig, the more the layers come off, you realize the inner beauty is in your imagination, in your dreams - and all you have is an ugly, soulless person that you're better off without.  I'm a big believer of laying your cards on the table - going all in - but be weary; you may not truly like the pot you're betting on.

2. "Me" time is important.  Never lose yourself in any relationship, be it professional or personal.  Stay true to YOU.

3. The grass isn't always greener; the closer you get to it, the green on the other side of the fence may be algae!

4. Always end conversations with loved one's with "I love you".  You may not get another chance to tell them that.

5. Live life; you can't enjoy it being holed up in a house.  Go out, meet friends, meet new people, be social. 

6. Acknowledge your own mistakes.  I'm no saint.  I've messed up PLENTY in my life.  I've done and said some really dumb, immature, hurtful things...I've lied, cheated, and stolen with the best of 'em.  Nothing I'm proud of.  But I've come to terms with those mistakes...those short comings.  I've forgive MYSELF.  And I've learned.  And I've accepted.  And I'm 110% okay with the man I see looking back at me in the mirror every day, and I know my kids think I'm pretty awesome, too - and THAT is all that matters.

7. Trust your gut.  People will lie to your face...to avoid getting caught, to "protect you" (love that one)...but if your gut is telling you something isn't right, if your gut is telling you that something isn't on the up and up, it's more often right than wrong.  We as people are magnificent creatures capable of great and terrible things; we're given the gift of instinct.  USE IT.

8. S'Mores Pop Tarts can cure a lot that ails you!  ;-)

9. If you can not find your way, make your own.  Aut viam inveniam aut faciam.

10. A daily recipe for success and personal gratification - DO EPIC SHIT.

11. Never - e-e-e-ever - allow yourself to be someones sloppy seconds.

12. Never do a duck face in a picture.  Ever.

13. Speaking of ducks, If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and acts like a duck - chances are it's a duck.  Look at people's social media posts.  It's an easy way to see who and what they really are (and yes, I'm aware that I'm a bastard - but I'm one awesome, magnificent one!).

14. Do something you enjoy daily; it's the best remedy to clear your head.

15. Life is never too full to have a couple beers with your friends.

16. Screw me once, shame on you; screw me twice, shame on me; screw me often and you're just a piece of poo.

17. Actions speak louder than words, and silence speaks even louder in some instances.

18. Trust is earned.

19. Don't settle in a job you hate; strive to do something you love.

20. Someone said to me back in October, "Matt Stone will always be Matt Stone".  Hey buddy, go f yourself; that's a pretty awesome thing.

21. As said in Risky Business, "Every now and then say, 'What the f*ck.' 'What the f*ck' gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future".

22. As said in Teen Wolf, "There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese".

23. "It's the poison that in measures brings illuminating vision, It's the knowing with a wink that we expect in southern women, It's the wolf that knows which root to dig to eat to save itself, It's the octopus that crawled back to the sea...instinct, gut, feeling...feelings".

I could go on, I'm sure.  But I'm not going to right now.  I'm going to try to dream it all up again, but it won't happen here on the Beatdown Blog.

This is it.

This is goodbye for the Beatdown Blog.

Oh, and one last thing...

BE AWESOME.

Instinct, Gut, Feeling, Feelings...

This flower is scorched
This film is on
On a maddening loop.
These clothes,
These clothes don't fit us right
I'm to blame
It's all the same
It's all the same

You come to me with a bone in your hand
You come to me with your hair curled tight
You come to me with positions
You come to me with excuses
Ducked out in a row
You wear me out
You wear me out

We've been through fake-a-breakdown
Self hurt, plastics, collections
Self help, self pain,
EST, psychics, fuck all
I was central, I had control
I lost my head
I need this. I need this
A paper weight, junk garage
Winter rain, a honey pot
Crazy, all the lovers have been tagged.
A hotline, a wanted ad

It's crazy what you could've had

It's crazy what you could've had
It's crazy what you could've had
I need this
I need this

Now You're Just Somebody That I Used to Know

This One Struck Me

I saw this picture out on tumblr.  I liked it.  I didn't take note of who posted and/or created it - but to that person, Thank You.  This picture reached out and grabbed me...

#41

Too AWESOME not to share.  No copyright infringement intended - just sharing some musical genius.  When ever I get into one of "these" moods, this song goes into heavy rotation...Dave Matthews Band.  "#41".  Lyrics below.  Enjoy.

Come and see

I swear by now I'm playing time against my troubles

Oh, oh
I'm coming slow but speeding...
Do you wish a dance and while I'm in the front
My play on time is won
But the difficulty is coming here...

I will go in this way
And find my own way out
I won't tell you to be here
But Its coming to much more...
Me
All at once the ghosts come back
Reeling in you now oh
What if they came down crushing
It used to be
that you and me
play for all of the loneliness
that nobody notices now
I'm begging slow I'm coming here...
I'm waiting
I wanted to stay
I wanted to play
I wanted to love you

I'm only this far
And only tomorrow leads the way

I'm coming waltzing back
and moving into your head
Please, I wouldn't pass this by
Oh, and I wouldn't take any more than
What sort of man goes by?
I will bring water
Why won't you ever be glad?
It melts into wonder
I came in praying for you
Why won't you run in to rain and pray?
Let tears splash all over you

Love Rescue Me

Reprinted without permission. I don’t own these lyrics, and no copyright issues are intended.

It’s just a magical song that all need to know the lyrics to.

This is “Love Rescue Me” by U2.

Love rescue me
Come forth and speak to me
Raise me up and don’t let me fall
No man is my enemy
My own hands imprison me
Love rescue me

Many strangers have I met
On the road to my regret
Many lost who seek to find themselves in me
They ask me to reveal
The very thoughts they would conceal
Love rescue me

And the sun in the sky
Makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I’m here without a name
In the palace of my shame
Said, love rescue me

In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
See the dark shades of what I used to be
See the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me

Yea, though I walk
In the valley of shadow
Yea, I will fear no evil
I have cursed thy rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me

I said love, love rescue me

I said love
Climb up the mountains, said love
I said love, oh my love
On the hill of the son
I’m on the eve of a storm
And my word you must believe in
Oh, I said love, rescue me

Yeah I’m here without a name
In the palace of my shame
I said love rescue me

I’ve conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me

Well...

So back on 12/20/11, I blogged about stepping away, and dreaming it all up again.  And to be 110% honest, I borrowed that quote from Bono, who said the same thing about U2 way back on 12/30/89.

And here I am, 100 days since that blog, and I have to borrow another phrase made famous by U2...I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For.

Don't get all up in arms - again this is no cry for help or anything.  I'm totally cool with the reflection I see in the mirror everyday.  It's just I feel like I'm being a bit pulled by some unseen force to do something...more.

As I said in that December blog entry, I think I've gotten a little too comfortable.  But not in a good way - no, the being comfortable is more like tolerating it...or better yet, more like simply blending in.

Blending in ain't my bag.

Dare to be great situations - I'm sorely lacking these.  And that just sucks...I'm awesome, afterall...I thrive on those situations.

I think part of the problem is I didn't do what I said I was going to - actually take a step back and dream it all up again.

I didn't do that because I never really gave much of a thought to what the "it" I need to dream up again really is.

And that's the first step, I think. 

I've put myself out there - sometimes way too far and way too often - over the past 12-plus years...got burned plenty for it, too...and 110% deserved each and every time I did.

I've gotten a little reserved when it comes to that of late...going big, going all out.  Call it maturing (go ahead and laugh at me insinuating I'm mature, a'holes), but I really need a reason nowadays to put myself out there in any capacity again. 

I never did it to be popular.  I never did it to fit in.  If anything, I've put myself out there to be anything but trendy or mainstream.

But I think the initial phase of the "it" I need to dream up again is determining why I need to put myself out there again - and I'm pretty sure there is only one acceptable reason - do it for ME. 

Anyhow, I certainly can't and won't figure it out tonight.

But I intend to start figuring it out piece by piece, day by day, week by week...

I'll end with an appropriate quote that I need to take to heart...

The touch and feeling of free, In intangible technically, Something you got to believe in.  Connect the cause and effect, One foot in front of the next, This is the start of a journey...

Until next time...