Monday, October 10, 2011

How To Kill A Vampire - A Bet Lost

So a coworker told me today that you can kill a vampire with a silver bullet.

"HA!  You silly fool - everyone knows only a stake through the heart kills a vampire.  It's a werewolf that requires a silver bullet", I proclaim.

"Nay", she says.  "A silver bullet can cause the demise of the living dead bloodsuckers".

"I'll bet you a dollar", I retort.

"Done", she steadfastly answers.

After some intense investigations, I'm short a dollar, and gladly much more know, in the event I ever have an encounter with a Nosferatu.

Per Ask Mystic Investigations - the OBVIOUS leading source for all things supernatural as well as all things in the nefarious underworld of human evil...

The following 10 methods have proved reliable in the eradication of the vampire menace:

1. Vampire Death By Fire: Vampires will not burn easily using conventional flames since their paranormal body provides protection from a variety of environmental factors. Simply touching them with a flaming torch won’t set them ablaze. A good dousing in gasoline or even better, garlic oil, will send that pesky vamp straight to hell in a magnificent fiery inferno. For a speedy end to a vampire you will need special holy flames, sometimes called holy fire. These are holy cleansing flames blessed by the Priest of any religion in the name of their God(s), or Goddesses(s). Christian Priests generally produce the most powerful holy fire due to the widespread belief in Christianity. Most likely you’d have a Priest bless a torch of normal fire blessed and then go into battle with a vampire. You can light other people’s torches and their flames will be holy as well.

2. Vampire Extinction By Sunlight: Sunlight has always been the number one weakness. A weakness that keeps them confined to the darkness of the night cowering away at first light of dawn. Exposure to sunlight causes them to burst into flames and die. The more sunlight the quicker it will happen. Depending on their age and power they may be able to withstand a certain amount of sunlight and will only smoke during that period of time. You will need to trick them into the sunlight, or use mirrors in a clever manner. You can also capture them and shackle them outdoors until sunrise. Just be sure to use silver shackles or hang religious artifacts on them. Tying them to a holy cross would work as well so they don’t escape. See number 8 about religious artifacts below. There’s also some anecdotal evidence that has claimed that some powerful wizards, and sorcerers can conjure up a mini sun to duplicate the suns rays. However this is quite dangerous and left only to the magic pros.

3. Vampire Termination By Blood: A little known method of killing vampires is to somehow get them to ingest certain types of blood, or inject it within them. The only two types of blood known to instantly kill a vampire in any quantity is Angel blood and Sasquatch (Bigfoot) blood. Both of which are nearly impossible to come by. The odds of an Angel taking physical form are beyond rare although the vampire will be drawn to it without reason and will sink it’s fangs within it’s holy body. The holy cleansing blood of the Angel will kill the supernatural vampire virus that is intertwined with it’s DNA. It’s unlikely they’d go after a Bigfoot, however if you’re able to get some Sasquatch blood you can either trick them into drinking it or inject it into them with a silver syringe. A normal syringe won’t penetrate vampire skin. Also the silver syringe itself isn’t big enough to cause any serious ill effects. It is also known that zombie blood is poisonous to vampires so they’d never drink of their rotted living dead corpses. Angel and Bigfoot blood only requires mere drops to kill while zombie blood demands you to inject the entire syringe full within them. The same goes for dead human blood which is also a poison to vampires. Tricking a vampire into drinking deceased human blood is probably the easiest termination by blood method there is if the human just died recently. In fact the blood of other dead paranormal beings will have the same effect as well. Unfortunately this doesn’t apply to animal blood. Creating tranquilizer darts with silver tips filled with the blood types mentioned above would also be an excellent delivery system for vampire eradication. Although it might take multiple shots to get enough into them when it comes to zombie or dead human blood.

4. Vampire Eradication By Injection: As mentioned above you can inject various types of blood with a silver syringe. You can also inject silver into them. It’s not likely you’ll be able to fill a syringe with 1763 °F molten silver but you can use high concentrated colloidal silver to get the same job done. You can also inject them with pure garlic oil which will cause a slow painful death. The tranquilizer dart gun method mentioned previously would work as well.

5. Vampire Extermination By Silver: As mentioned above colloidal silver and molten silver will kill a vampire. As will silver bullets, silver swords, silver knives, and silver stakes. Silver, specifically colloidal silver, has been known for ages as a bodily cleanser and cure for many ailments in the mortal world of humans. It seems that silver also has the same effect in the paranormal world to varying degrees. Although it doesn’t cure a blood sucking beast of his vampirism. Instead it acts as a living dead Kryptonite of sorts. **THE SILVER BULLET ON COSTING ME A DOLLAR**

6. Vampire Annihilation By Stake: The most famous method of killing a vampire has always been the trusted wooden stake. Any sturdy wood formed into a pointed stake will be able to penetrate the vulnerable spot over the vampires heart. Once the heart is punctured by the wooden stake, it must be left in for a number of seconds or even minutes before he or she dies. Depending on the ancient nature and power of the vampire they may last for varying amounts of time but once it’s in they are virtually paralyzed and won’t be able to remove it. The death will be quite agonizing. The most effective wood stake is that fashioned out of hickory. The stronger the wood, the easier the penetration, and the quicker the death will be. If you’re looking for an instant death then try the silver stake mentioned above.

7. Vampire Death By Beheading: Removing a vampires head by any means will cause death to fall upon him. This has always been a trusted technique for the extermination of all immortal beings. A strong steal sword, preferably silver plated, will take the head of any vampire nicely. Some how tricking it into a guillotine or onto a rail road track as a train roars forth is another option.

8. Vampire Destruction By Religious Artifacts: All religious artifacts from ancient religions to Christianity have varying repellent powers when it comes to vampires. However if you can somehow get it to ingest some of the artifact, or stake them with it, then they will die. This includes religious texts such as Bibles, along with other things like crosses, crucifixes, Jesus statues, etc. The power of these artifacts comes from the collective consciousness of the human masses believing in a certain religion. This is made possible since the foundation of our reality and magic in general is pure thought. Since Christianity is the most believed in religion, it’s artifacts are the most effective at repelling and killing.

9. Vampire Expiration By Holy Water: Holy Water is formed when a priest of any religion blesses normal water in the name of their God(s), or Goddess(s). This is another religious artifact that repels vampires but if you trick them into ingesting, or inject them with holy water then it’s burst into hellish unholy fire time. The death will be slow and beyond excruciating which would be perfect for a vampire who may have mercilessly tormented you and your loved ones. If you want an instant death then find a way to dunk them into a body of holy water. A Priest should have the power to bless a large tank or even a small pond. For larger bodies of water it may take a number of Priests to create holy lakes or seas.

10. Vampire Death By Magic: This method of vampirical death is only possible for those who practice the various magical arts whether they be witches, warlocks, wizards, sorcerers, or some manner of magical being. Vampires may be the hunter when it comes to human prey but in the paranormal world they aren’t Gods, and sometimes they can end up being the prey for beings more powerful than themselves or humans who possess knowledge of magic. All vampires on Earth are born beholden to a magical global curse that denies them entry into any private home without first receiving an invitation. This is where their vulnerability to magic begins and allows for various creative spells and potions to eradicate them along with those whose bodies are imbued with active magical powers which usually encompass the various forms of Psychokinesis. In light of the magic threat some vampires learn defensive magic. However higher powers that dispense magics generally shun vampires and therefore the ones who know magic are the ones who practiced it while still human. In addition, very ancient vampires of the first generations have some immunity to magic just as they have some immunity to the various method of vampire murder mentioned on this page. Luckily the odds are slim you would run across one of them.

I hope this helps in your continued fight against all that is Unholy.

Until next time...

Thursday, October 6, 2011

"Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish."

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.  Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking.  Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice.  And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.  They somehow already know what you truly want to become.  Everything else is secondary".

Steve Jobs, 6/12/05, Stanford Commencement Address.

Stay Hungry.  Stay Foolish.

R.I.P., Mr. Jobs.  And thank you.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


Happy Hump Day, Beatdowners...

Easing back into blogging.  Throwing a few quick ones out there, seeing what sticks.

Conviction - a belief or opinion that is held firmly.

Sometimes, conviction isn't the easiest thing to have.

Sometimes conviction leads us - one and all - to bash our shins into the proverbial "Stumbling Blocks" that pop up during the AWESOMENESS that is life's journey.

The journey is never on a clearly defined path, and the path is never, E-E-EVER narrow.  The journey meanders through increasingly broad lifescapes, and every gate or door we come across is a lot wider than we think...and a lot wider than some hope it to be for us.

All the dirt that soils us during the journey - my journey, your journey, OUR journey - doesn't ever disqualify us from passing through the gates or the doors. 

Conviction.  Never lose it.  And if you don't have it now, it's never too late to find it.

Until next time...

Tuesday, October 4, 2011


Fitting - especially today.

"Rhetoric is a poor substitute for action, and we have trusted only to rhetoric. If we are really to be a great nation, we must not merely talk; we must act big."

Theodore Roosevelt